Lately I have been beyond nervous to leave. I have always been a little bit nervous, but I was so excited that it trumped over my fear. But lately, I have been TERRIFIED! I have been questioning if I am ready, if I can do it, I cry all the time at any little thought, I really have been doubting my decision to serve.
I have talked to many people who have all said they felt the same way. I kept hearing the same stories over and over again. You'll be fine... You'll get out there and learn... Everyone gets scared... God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called... Although these are great things to say, and helped me before, they weren't really hitting home like they used to. I just wasn't excited to go anymore.
This morning I decided to do a companion study with my brother Kendall who just came home from his mission a little over a week ago. I didn't think I would get so emotional and personal, but I broke down and told him everything that I was thinking. I bawled and bawled and told him I didn't think I can do it. What he said changed my whole perspective about serving.
Yeah, I don't know everything. Yeah, I don't know how to teach the lessons. Yeah I am going to mess up or forget what to say or stumble on my words. But I am human. I am only 19. The people I teach don't need to know everything. He than shared with my the Brigham Young story in Preach my Gospel:
Brigham Young was not baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during the first year of his learning about the restored gospel. But of his conversion he said: “If all the talent, tact, wisdom, and refinement of the world had been sent to me with the Book of Mormon, and had declared, in the most exalted of earthly eloquence, the truth of it, undertaking to prove it by learning and worldly wisdom, they would have been to me like smoke which arises only to vanish away. But when I saw a man without eloquence or talents for public speaking, who could only say, ‘I know by the power of the Holy Ghost that the Book of Mormon is true, that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of the Lord,’ the Holy Ghost proceeding from that individual illuminated my understanding, and a light, glory, andimmortality were before me. I was encircled by them, filled with them, and I knew for myself that the testimony of the man was true”.
After shedding many more tears, I realized this is exactly what I need to hear. I know this church is true. I know Joseph Smith saw God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the Sacred Grove. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church and has been fully restored to the earth in this last dispensation. I know the Christ is going to come to the earth again to cleanse the earth to become the Celestial kingdom. I believe in Christ and his atonement. I love this gospel, and that is all I need right now. The rest WILL come eventually if I am faithful and continue to work hard. I love my life right now, and am ready to serve my Lord!